MY DISGRACE

My dear friends…

I come to you today with a very heavy heart.

I have said on a number of occasions I am at peace these days, but that is not strictly true.

It is 12:43 am on a rainy winter night as I write this to you, to post in the morning.

I am troubled by a dirty little secret that weighs heavily upon my soul.

As you know, I have spent a number of years making a documentary with a loyal, hardworking team; & quite a good number of you have been kind enough to take an interest over those years.

Some of you have even been inquiring on a regular basis as to how it is going- increasingly as we close in on what I believed to be the home stretch.

I have been humbled by your curiosity, anticipation and support over such a long period of time.

As you know, I promised we would have a cut in early March, with maybe some excerpts from the film, and perhaps a few fresh stills.

You also know…this did not happen.

I promised you a trailer in 2 weeks, about a month ago; I have also failed to keep my word on that.

That basically makes me a liar.

I did not keep my word to you.

I take full responsibility for this. The buck stops here.

This is my failure, and mine alone.

So what is the big secret?  Partly the lie- but also because I am pretending on the outside everything is fine, when actually- my duplicity is tearing me apart.

I cannot live with it, without saying something about it to you. 

I know how awful it is when someone tells you something repeatedly, and fails to deliver the goods; I have had it done to me many times, & do not care for it one scrap.

With this understanding in mind, it pains me to know how much I have disappointed you with my honey words & empty promises.

I feel like a guy who has welched on a loan, and is hiding in the shadows of some Carol Reed movie. But I cannot hide any longer; the guilt is killing me.

I have said ‘It’s on its way’ so many times, it has become a meaningless mantra; to the point where you might be wondering if there actually IS a doco at all.

Frankly, I don’t blame you.

In my time, I have heard all sorts of bullshit describing things that don’t actually exist- & my words sound like the very same thing.

I fully understand this, & am ashamed of it.

Being truthful and honouring my promises and commitments is something I have been working so hard on for the last three years.

Ironically, it is a big part of the doco.

Once upon a time- I didn’t give a shit what I told people.

It mattered even less whether or not I delivered upon my word.

Nowadays, I care about not only what I say- but whether or not I follow through- more than anything else in the world.

It DOES mean the world to me. It IS my world; which is why I carry this burden like a millstone around my neck- growing heavier with each passing day.

And why I write this note to you, as I listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Telling me what a fool I have been, & how much it hurts to let you down like this.

I feel like a total fraud.

I feel this, because you matter. What I say to you matters.

You are not just comic book characters- you are REAL people.

Real friends; MY friends.

I care about what I promise. And I care about you.

This is why my empty words echo through the corridors of my consciousness like the tell-tale heart- refusing to permit me restful slumber.

As the Japanese say, it is a ‘poison on my soul’.

I am bitterly ashamed of myself.

I had such high hopes for what I felt was a turning-point in my life- a new me.

As it turns out- I have failed again.

I am just another bullshit artist peddling empty promises.

And you are right to become frustrated, and doubt me.

Will you ever trust me or my word again??

I know I cannot ask that, for I do not deserve it.

But what I DO ask is that you accept my apology, and know how much my failure means to me; how much letting you down weighs upon me.

You matter to me. Each and every one of you.

And I failed to acknowledge that with my persistent excuses & failure to deliver.

I hang my head in shame.

I hope you will accept this apology.

I should more properly apologise to each one of you personally- but quite frankly I don’t think I can type these words- or even read them- more than one pass.

Once is enough.

Please forgive me.

Your humble, troubled friend,

John Warwick Arden.